Awakening

I sit at my desk in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, reflecting on what will be the next several weeks of my life. Tuesday, September 15 2015, I will board a plane and fly to Cameroon, Africa. For the very first time I will leave my life behind me for three full weeks - husband Dan, my little boys Kai (7) and Niko (4), my routine - and dive into a world I have never experienced. A new continent, a new people, and I hope, a new me.

From experience I know that whatever I imagine on this side of the trip is rarely reality in the end. As much information gathering, practicing, and preparations I do, it isn't until I immerse myself in the field that I have any inkling of what my trip is going to actually look like. One thing I DO know, however, is that this trip will change me.

I have struggled for a very long time with happiness. Depression and anxiety plague me and this year in particular was a difficult journey with God. To be totally honest, in about April I got to the point of wanting to walk away from my faith and giving up on a lot of things in my life. In a last-ditch effort to salvage whatever remnants remained, I reached out to my pastor, Kelly. I inundated him with questions and frustrations; with a litany of seeming contradictions, unfairnesses, and unknowns. His patience and understanding were a gift, but a simple question that turned out to have a profound impact became a turning point in my life: "What miracle do you need to see to believe God exists and loves you?"

I had no answer. And I don't think Kelly expected one. But the next six months flipped my life upside down and, in a way, forced me to start reconciling the conflicts in my heart. Two days after that question reached my ears, I got a text with a link to a house for sale. We had just resigned our lease on our rental and buying a home wasn't even remotely on our radar. But the house was exactly what we needed and was step one in allowing me to grow roots in Milwaukee - something that was hindering me from living in a way that provided positivity. Summer was a whirlwind of non-stop change and work as we purchased our first home and moved over the course of a month. Wrestling with change didn't necessarily fix my happiness, but it allowed me to see God working in my life. My heart began to soften.

One of the biggest challenges for me in our year and a half living in Milwaukee has been that I didn't want to move here in the first place. I had an intense desire to move to a mission field with my family and serve Jesus in a hands-on, tangible way. My faith has always been easier to live overseas and the midwest was about the last place I wanted to be. So when God saw fit to place Dan in a job that allowed him to support a whole slew of missions around the world in his director of marketing position with Kingdom Workers, I began to resent the fact that once again I was tagging along, playing cheerleader for my husband and lacking purpose and direction in my life. Sure, I stayed home with my boys as a stay-at-home mom (an immensely important but exhausting job with no immediate pay off), but I really desired to be something more, to truly feel like I was being used for a greater purpose.

Enter Mick. Mick had recently left his position at Kingdom Workers to work his family's business. He had become like a brother to us and had a way of always making me laugh. Mick was lined up to volunteer for this trip to Cameroon and planned to embark in July (the exact same time we were moving). However, I happened to stop in right before his last day and he mentioned that he decided to move the trip back to September... when my boys would be in school all day. I realized I was finally in a place in my life where I could realistically go and do some mission work for a semi-extended periods of time without as much of a burden on my family. And to get to go with a good friend? I was totally floored.

The pieces all fell into place, and although there was a bit of trepidation about Mick and I working in different parts of the country with the missionary and his wife, the sense of adventure drove us both forward. Now, the day after tomorrow we will embark on a journey God cleared a path for me to travel. The same God I was so angry with - and from whom I didn't deserve any mercy. Yet He is allowing me to go and be His hands and feet on the ground in a new place, with family and friends behind me who supported me financially and will continue to follow me in prayer. 

I named this blog Waking Joy because I feel that is what God has been trying to teach me: to awaken the joy He desires for me. I have focused on pursuing "happiness" in my life, when really JOY is what I ought to seek. Cameroon is an opportunity to start that journey and wake up the joy of the Lord in my heart. I invite you to come with me on this adventure of discovery.