Falling

Well.... today was the day.

I knew I would crash emotionally at some point, and it turned out that this was it. I'd like to say that everything is all always amazing and and incredible, but you know what? That would be a lie. The ups come with the downs... and I am in big trouble when I don't release my downs.

My classes went well enough. We didn't get stuck on the road. And so far, I have not stumbled across any African critters today (there were 4- to 5-inch really skinny worms crawling out of the drains and straight up the walls in the bathroom last night just before bed. It made for a really relaxing night, let me tell you).

Traveling in different cultures is exhausting. It can be lonely and isolating. And it is a dang good thing it is filled with interesting things that out weigh the bad. Today I miss my boys so much and need their little tight squeeze around my neck and sweet smoches on my cheeks. I need a back-crunching hug from Dan, and to be honest, a good, freaking long cry session with the person who knows me best.

I think this is one of the hard parts of technology. I write here to emote, to get some ounce of release, but I don't want anyone to worry. I'm sure we will have many adventures more. Friday will bring the drive to meet up with Mick and Pastor again and I am fully confident that is what my heart needs. It's been a long week of fearing that I'm making critical social errors, not understanding much of what's being said, and not fully grasping what my brain interprets as tangled up bureaucracy and related cultural issues that come with working with a foreign organization. That sounds so harsh, and I feel guilty even saying it. But I really struggle with wrapping my head around everything and today the smile fell off my face into sudden, unexpected tears. Unfortunately in front of a national. Which was also a no-no, as I found out. *headdesk*

I just said the other day to a friend that this is the longest period of happy I have had in a long time. I have been dealing with stress quite well and been rolling with whatever came our way. But I finally was honest with myself about my trepidation with my English classes and needed to release that tension. Every day, every class period is different... some days I have awesome sessions with one group and mediocre with the other. I feel under-prepared on so many levels, between the unexpected class-makeup and the change in plan for the curriculum. I'm hoping I get a chance to gain some ground on my updated, more advanced lessons by Monday and start fresh,but tomorrow will just be what it is... I'm praying for a good enough resource to jump out at me off the internet before we leave the house at 8 am. It may be a late night because I am going to go share my coconut that a student gave me with Milton and Juliet when she gets back from her classes. That's a plus. As long as I don't burst into tears. I don't know if I have a good enough list of excuses to get myself out of that one fast enough.

Through this entire process I had Moses Syndrome; Surely, Lord, you can't mean me. Are you sure you think I'M the one you want to send? What if I screw this up? What if I can't handle it? What if I hate it? I think you may have me confused with someone else.

And as awesome as Cameroon has been at times, today many of my fears became true for me. I didn't hang in there well enough. I was barely able to compose myself enough to eat dinner and teach as if I did not have the overwhelming urge to sob my heart out. I thank God that I was able to put my happy and confident mask back on and get going in the classroom, but three weeks was unrealistic to go without crying, I guess.

I most certainly can't expect myself to be perfect and an expert at navigating the difficulty of a new culture in one week. I don't know if I could do it even in a lifetime. But today I just feel like optimistic, idea-concocting, put the best construction on everything Andi is the wrong person to have here. But I'm here... so there must be a reason for that. I just hope I can figure it out before I ruin the chances for any volunteer to come here again.

Ok, so that is maybe a bit dramatic. But my heart sure feels it.

And Mick, if you are somehow reading this (which I'm highly doubting since your in the bush), please save a humongous hug for me. I'm going to need it.

And on the funny side of things, the truck that stopped and just watched us with our vehicle stuck in the mud yesterday was stuck today only 100 feet from our sticking point. How's that for irony, huh?

Now, back for seeking that joy.